life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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