The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
