if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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