It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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