I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
