I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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