I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
