Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
