Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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