just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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