Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
