You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
