Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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