Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
