she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
