It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I use my feet as sexual weapons
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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