I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
