I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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