there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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