Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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