Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
