I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
whose ass print is on the piano?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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