we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
