I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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