I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
