So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
