Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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