How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
