I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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