just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
