Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
