I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
