i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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