I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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