Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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