I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
