1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
