don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
