I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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