you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
the room spins SO much faster in panama
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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