she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
