No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
