Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
