I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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