dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
