Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
