I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
