I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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