If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
