The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
